The good, the bad and.. that’s it

I borrowed this expression a bit. I find a lot of truth in it.

I noticed how black thoughts go through my mind when my soul and mind are in an idle status. I am depressed and can’t think of anything else but how bad i feel and how i need to end it.
The devil doesn’t sleep, it makes me do all kind of actions I normally wouldn’t do, like lay in the bed and do nothing but graze my heart. It makes me think that my soul is so bruised it can’t be fixed. The devil doesn’t let me hope, it only makes me weep.

I can’t think by myself. I can only wait for the idleness to go away, but if i don’t help it it will only get deeper.
So i try and help it. I see now how the devil plays with my soul. It wants to destroy it, but I won’t let it. So I try and find other activities to help me unlock the chains.

I force the hope to rise above the sadness. It sure is damn hard, but otherwise I don’t see myself repairing the damage.
I start little. I start by being happy for other people’s happyness. I see smiles and i can see that it is possible. I try and integrate myself in being useful, so i could feel like i don’t live for nothing, helping others put a smile on their face is a great feeling.

I remain with my hope. I hope it will turn out ok. So the devil looses the game. He crawls outside my soul and looks back, i push it harder and hope it will get lost already.

Of course life is beautiful, even if not for me, but for others.
Of course hope can die again.
Of course I will try and bring it back to life, with my last little drop of breath.

All in all… the devil can kiss my butt.

We just had a fight. We had two too different opinions so we managed to annoy eachother. I ran home, thinking I would change my clothes and go for a drink.

Unfortunately, i didn’t have the time to do the laundry and I only had a short skirt and a very naughty t-shirt available. I put them on and slamed the door behind me.

I was going towards my car thinking I would never speak to him again. I was so angry i saw only darkness ahead. I drove faster than the wind to the closest bar, when i realised i forgot my wallet at his place..

What to do?
I had two choices.. go back home and go to bed, as it was late at night, or recuperate my wallet..
More anger stricked through me.. I desperatelly needed to drink something, so I went back to his place.

The door was unlocked. I barged in and found him lying on the bed, with only his jeans on, smoking a cigarette and listening to some wild loud music. He didn’t even glimpsed at me, he was that nervous, just like me. I couldn’t see my wallet anywhere so I yelled at him to give it to me.

He stared at me for a second, put his cigarette out and yelled at me that he didn’t see it. I yelled back and we got in to a fight again. He then stood up and came close to my body as if he wanted to dominate me and yelled again, ‘it’s not here!’. We starred into eachothers eyes, both thinking what to yell next when.. i sneezed. It was because the window was opened and it got a bit chilly. I was to nervous to walk away and let him win the fight, so i stood there feeling as my nipples became harder, he could see them through the thin t-shirt.

There was a lot of tension, we were both staring at eachother and i repeatedly bit my lower lip. I felt his warmth close to my body and then the cold went away.. He started to sweat, we both were..

Instantly, we started to kiss like wild.. He grabbed me in his arms and squeezed me as I was leaving scratch marks on his back. I then pushed him on the bed, sat on top of him and unlocked his belt. While I was gently pulling it out, I leaned over his ear and asked him “do you want this..?”. He groaned a bit then ripped my t-shirt, leaving me with only my skirt on..

He wet his fingers with his tongue and caressed my breasts. He then pushed me over and sat himself on top of me. He started to kiss my neck and feel my thies with his hands. I was so aroused I kept pulling the sheets… He went lover with the kisses, reached my chest, then my belly.. and then he grabbed my underwear with his mouth and pulled it off.

It was all happening so fast, and yet i felt like i wanted it more and more.. and more.. and faster..

I then sat on my knees facing him and kissing and licking his ear, while i was pulling down his pants, then all the rest and we remained naked on the bed, kissing like crazy and grazing eachother on our backs.

It all went downhill from there..
It was amazing, we moved fast and slow, we sweat a lot, screamed with pleasure and finished toghether..

We calmed down. I was breathing hard and felt his heart beating fast. We fell asleep in eachother arms…

I was feeling alone. I was bored with myself, bored of life, bored of monotony.. I wanted something else. I almost prayed that something would happen, something… interesting. Something that would turn my world around.

The hot weather and the thin aer didn’t help. I was feeling tense. School was over and I was stressed, I was hot because of the warm air.

It was an afternoon. There was something floating in the air.. I felt a change. My skin was wet and the last perfume drops on my body I had already smelled a few minutes earlier. I was hungry and tired and I decided to drink a hot coffee. I was walking towards the park with the coffee in my hands, thinking I would savor it quietly, when I felt a hit on my arm. Accidentaly I spilled the whole coffee on a boy’s t-shirt…
I stopped, biting my lower lip with fear. He got mad and tried to wipe it out with his sleve, but in vain. Then he suddenly looked at me with two big big black eyes. I felt a shock and imediatelly calmed down. His eyes were sparkling, like a sign he already knew me from somewhere, but we remained staring at eachother silently.

The next moment I realised he had a stain on his blouse, so I took his hand and took him inside my school, to the bathroom. I wet my hands and tried to clean the coffee stain, when he grabbed my hands and stuck them to his chest. He kept staring at me, breathing harder and harder… All of a sudden we realised we were alone in the bathroom, it was already dark, there was noone around.. My cheeks were burning, his hands were shivering and his eyes looked straight at my mouth, as I was gently biting my lips.

With his thumb he pulled my lip and placed it between his. His breath was warm and his lips were soft. Then he took my hands an put them around his neck, grabbed my thies and pulled me towards him, so close I felt every inch of his body. He wispered in my ear how much he wanted to do this, since he first saw me. I then found myself stuck to the wall, with his wet hands carressing my body.. He kissed every water drop on my skin.. I gazed at him and remained surprised with how much passion he put into this, and how he grabbed my shirt and pulled it up, leaving me half-naked, with my skin burning.

He wet his hands again and carressed my back, my tummy, he kissed my bellybutton and my thies. From time to time he kept making these pleasure sounds, coming involuntarily out of his mouth. The mixed sensation of the cold wall and the hot kisses was wonderful.

Then he stopped. He pulled me close to him and wisperred that he wants me, but not there. He took my hand we left behind only the darkness of the halls…

I have to vent again, i feel better after i write about what i feel, it’s like talking to a best friend, indirectly.

It’s strange how i feel right now. I feel like i want it, but i’m not sure i need it.. i would like for it to last, there are to many coincidences and it is almost to nice to be true. I am a positive thinker and i’d like to think it would be almost as in the happy end movies.

I bleed inside, i miss the anxiety and the shivers, i still have them sometimes and this is what scares me the most.

I like to see the smile, i likem to feel the touch, i love to hear the voice.
I like it that i feel alive.

Why can’t it be a little more simple.. ?

So.. it is totally over.
It’s time to move on.

i can’t say i am not sorry, of course i am, 6 years is a heck of a lot of time. It was a pain to think that we are not toghether anymore, but heck.. it happens.

So.. i stopped, cried.. then focused. I cried for all the years that went by, flew like air near my ears.. I stopped feeling like before, I began to feel like crap, i was sad, turnished.. everything seemed unreal, i was living a bad dream.

Then i focused..
He did this to himself. I am happy now and he is not. Now he’d like to get back to me, but i can’t.

Fact: he told me that 6 years were a waste of time.
Fact: he said he didn’t love me for more than one year, he was just staying with me for the sake of it.
Fact: telling me he might have feelings for another after all what we’ve been through and he needs time off to think about it.

Hmm… these are not ok to say to a person, no matter what. He should have kept those for himself.
He kind of took me and threw me in the garbage.
Now i’m really afraid to care again.. but i enjoy life as it is. I like it.

Now i’m still focusing.. Not knowing what the future brings is kind of scary, but fun..

Oh my God, i cannot believe how good freedom feels

I have no obligations, no strange feelings when I go out, no nothing.. i am free to feel good. I sometimes get scared because of too much freedom, but it’s ok.

Untill some weeks ago i was still sad that it was over. 6 years.. a lot of time. But i’m totally over, so over i asked him to move out. I decided he can stay and we can live toghether but it’s not possible. I may want to be with someone, he might find someone and it will be to strange to live with the ex.. I mean.. c’mon!

We talked and he seems to be very sad and upset. I’m sorry for him but i cannot live like this forever. What happens if let’s say we have lovers and we fight? We come back to the ex to talk… how will the other one feel? Like crap, i tell you.

I like to be free… and for that i need to live alone. He can’t understand, fine.. but at least he can respect that.

Money… we both have them but i prefer to pay my own taxes and everything and be alone for a while. It’s such a nice feeling, being free..

I like blogging, i like to sit at the computer for hours and code a site, i like to be so into photoshop i won’t eat for hours…  I like to stay out until morning (yes, i have the energy of 100 persons…). I like to take the car and drive for hours, i like to come home and find my dog jumping up and down…

I hated it when i was working and he wanted to go out. I hated it when I was mad with some css code and he got upset there was no food.. I hated it when I felt like going out and he was busy playing Need for Speed..

This is living… this is great. I know i will one day feel the need to wake up near someone, but now i’m happy this way. It may be because after 6 years i can literally do whatever it pops in my mind.

Life is beautiful. I wish everyone could see this. Enjoy it while you can, it’s worth it.

Damn, i’m tired. I’m tired of no sleep and of somewhat stress. I wish i would go to sleep and wake up saturday afternoon. Then my exams would have passed

I’m aslo tired of trying to hard. I am happy because this is who i am, but sometimes i force myself to smile and forget some problems.. It seems to work, but it sure is damn tireing.

I wish the world would be perfect. No more sad people, no more problems,  no more people who avoid me, no more “oh my god! where did the money go this month?”, no more stress.

I am overall happy. I only miss one thing: a hug from time to time. And i am not a huggy person, i can tell you that… damn.

I don’t feel so good… i have a lot of work at my job, i do the tasks of my ex too, since he works in the same place as i do and he also has a second job, and i have a pretty good heart and help as i can.

I also have a lot to learn, by friday .. i have 2 exams, one on friday, one on saturday.. another one next week.. i hope i can make it, at least one i could pass

I’m also really tired, i haven’t slept for a week … only 2-3 hours a night. thank God for coffee

In the meantime, i’m also trying to decide what the heck should i do with my life.. Shish.. it’s hard..

Am I to insistent? Do I give the impression that i cannot last a day without seeing someone?
This is me, a little child at 21..

Some of my feelings turned to ash, some are rising just about now. I am not afraid, i know i can love again, miss again, kiss and caress again… just not now. I need a break from all of these.. In the meantime I started to feel free. Freedom is good

I can do all the crap I want without someone bugging me all the time. I can laugh, sing, dress provocative, I can cry, walk alone in the park, leave home for days and so on without feeling guilty. It’s wonderful!

I thank ‘you’ (you know who you are..) for making me see this.
I needed this breakout badly in order to move on.

What scars me is that I miss you. I miss the nice moments we had together.
We are good friends, even if we briefly know each other. I hate it that I think you avoid me.
I had no plans or thoughts for the future. I only enjoy spending time with you.
I miss the awkward moments we had, the silent seconds, the fear I felt minutes before seeing you..

I can’t be in a relationship right now.. So why can’t we get along as we did before? Why must we feel weird when i leave and why must you feel you need to protect me?
I need to protect myself from me, that’s all. I wish i wasn’t this shy and i have the power to explain all of this.. maybe after a while i will.

I hated the chains I was locked in until the breakup. I hated them for 3 long years.. I hoped it would work but it didn’t. I am passed that now and I hope you understand. Don’t feel estranged, feel free to do whatever you want.

The only thing I regret is that I literally ditched my family and friends to end up breaking up after 6 years. But if I think about it, i would have never met you otherwise.

It scares me a bit that we are almost the same person, but that fear gives me the strength to feel like myself again. You unlocked me and I thank you for that.

What bothers me now is why can’t we get along as we did the first day we met.. That is what I miss the most.

I need something… but i don’t know what it is.. i’m no longer mourning, but still something is missing.
I still try to cry sometimes (not really my thing, but i need to let it all out, i really want to move on) and sometimes I can’t stop smiling.
I have no idea what is going on. My soul was ripped, but there is a someone who knows how to patch it. I can’t have feelings yet, but the sensation is beautiful.

I couldn’t move a muscle to smile, but after 2 weeks i felt some warmth.
I still have no idea how it happened.
He was smart enough to add me on his messenger list.. and only now i understand how he got the feeling i am shy.. (wrong feeling.. i tell you!)
The discussion began quick, he wanted to buy my romanian recipes site I felt shy to tell him no…

I can’t say it’s hard, but not easy either. My whole life is a little mess and still.. it seems right.
So i have no idea how i feel right now. All i can say is that i am a little happier.
I think i am afraid to feel something too soon.

I remember i had a talk about the near future with my ex, 2-3 days before i met “the Dwarf” (omg, it sounds so funny in english!). We talked about sex and related stuff. I thought i couldn’t do it soon, maybe never, maybe not for a few months.. but he told me i might be able to after 1-2-6 months or maybe ‘tomorrow’. In the meantime… i put my thoughts in order. I can’t go back to what we had for 6 years, i just can’t! … and this is actually the easy part …

It’s the future i’m worried about. That’s the un-easy part … but something tells me it’s going to be a-ok.