The good, the bad and.. that’s it

Am I to insistent? Do I give the impression that i cannot last a day without seeing someone?
This is me, a little child at 21..

Some of my feelings turned to ash, some are rising just about now. I am not afraid, i know i can love again, miss again, kiss and caress again… just not now. I need a break from all of these.. In the meantime I started to feel free. Freedom is good

I can do all the crap I want without someone bugging me all the time. I can laugh, sing, dress provocative, I can cry, walk alone in the park, leave home for days and so on without feeling guilty. It’s wonderful!

I thank ‘you’ (you know who you are..) for making me see this.
I needed this breakout badly in order to move on.

What scars me is that I miss you. I miss the nice moments we had together.
We are good friends, even if we briefly know each other. I hate it that I think you avoid me.
I had no plans or thoughts for the future. I only enjoy spending time with you.
I miss the awkward moments we had, the silent seconds, the fear I felt minutes before seeing you..

I can’t be in a relationship right now.. So why can’t we get along as we did before? Why must we feel weird when i leave and why must you feel you need to protect me?
I need to protect myself from me, that’s all. I wish i wasn’t this shy and i have the power to explain all of this.. maybe after a while i will.

I hated the chains I was locked in until the breakup. I hated them for 3 long years.. I hoped it would work but it didn’t. I am passed that now and I hope you understand. Don’t feel estranged, feel free to do whatever you want.

The only thing I regret is that I literally ditched my family and friends to end up breaking up after 6 years. But if I think about it, i would have never met you otherwise.

It scares me a bit that we are almost the same person, but that fear gives me the strength to feel like myself again. You unlocked me and I thank you for that.

What bothers me now is why can’t we get along as we did the first day we met.. That is what I miss the most.

I need something… but i don’t know what it is.. i’m no longer mourning, but still something is missing.
I still try to cry sometimes (not really my thing, but i need to let it all out, i really want to move on) and sometimes I can’t stop smiling.
I have no idea what is going on. My soul was ripped, but there is a someone who knows how to patch it. I can’t have feelings yet, but the sensation is beautiful.

I couldn’t move a muscle to smile, but after 2 weeks i felt some warmth.
I still have no idea how it happened.
He was smart enough to add me on his messenger list.. and only now i understand how he got the feeling i am shy.. (wrong feeling.. i tell you!)
The discussion began quick, he wanted to buy my romanian recipes site I felt shy to tell him no…

I can’t say it’s hard, but not easy either. My whole life is a little mess and still.. it seems right.
So i have no idea how i feel right now. All i can say is that i am a little happier.
I think i am afraid to feel something too soon.

I remember i had a talk about the near future with my ex, 2-3 days before i met “the Dwarf” (omg, it sounds so funny in english!). We talked about sex and related stuff. I thought i couldn’t do it soon, maybe never, maybe not for a few months.. but he told me i might be able to after 1-2-6 months or maybe ‘tomorrow’. In the meantime… i put my thoughts in order. I can’t go back to what we had for 6 years, i just can’t! … and this is actually the easy part …

It’s the future i’m worried about. That’s the un-easy part … but something tells me it’s going to be a-ok.

My friend, Ramona, wrote an article some time ago about the concept of love. The main idea is that you can’t be lovers if you can’t be friends. I totally agree.

People change.. a lot, and after a long time of being together you realize you cannot rely everytime on each other it kind of becomes awkward. Sometimes it is better to say ’stop’ and rewind a little bit.

I’m only sorry i realized this today. But it’s all good. Friendship is something you can’t kick away and its better to see this than live a lie or suffer more later.

It’s not the same of course.. usually you first become friends and after a while you date and begin to have feelings.. i think this is why the reverse is more difficult, but i like to think it’s not impossible.

Friendship is good. It is the best thing that can happen after a long term relationship. Maybe after a while the feelings can come back, maybe not, but anyhow it is always good lo live a small door opened

at least it should be. March started and i already threw away the February piece of paper from the calendar

I should be glad that summer is coming soon, holiday’s almost here (well.. 4 more months..), no more school soon.. wait, did i say no more school..?! I am terribly wrong! I will not escape school to soon because some “beloved” teachers thought it would be a blast to flunk a large number of students last semester! So now i have to spend all March studying..

It’s unbelievable how pretentious some teachers are.  I am not complaining i have to learn, i am not complaining i have a stupid schedule, but i am complaining when a teacher has the nerve to ask us to learn some book by heart!
This kind of teachers make our learning system shameful.

I think - and i think many agree - that people are not robots and we shouldn’t have to learn by heart what teachers are teaching us in school. I think they should be more than happy to see that we understand their subject and write the exam in our own words, not theirs.
This is what the learning system is all about: understanding the theory and use it in practice. At least this is my opinion..

How can students enjoy college if our teachers are still this stubborn!?
I wish they would shove their books in the shiny place the sun never shines!

This being said… I’ll get back to studying..

No one should ever be to busy to smile!
A cute thing happened to me today..

I was having some car problems (again… the wonders of having an already used car..) and i skipped school. I almost didn’t do anything today and i was beginning to be bothered by it.

After a few hours of trying, swearing and cursing.. the car finally started it’s engine We (my boyfriend and I) only got to go to a single place of the many places we had to go to today and we were a bit grumpy.. until this happened:
I was driving us on a street and i saw a little boy (he was around 6-7 years old.. he was so cute!) with a big big juice bottle in his hands. He wanted to cross the street. He saw me coming and he stopped, but i let him cross to the other side.
The thing that made me smile was… he yelled “THANK YOU!”. A ‘thank you’ that was so refreshing it made me smile.. a lot!

So, my thought for today is the one i wrote at the start of the message

I was expressing an opinion some time ago, regarding “a normal country”. My opinion was: in a normal country, people don’t smoke on the street.
Little did i know that for some reason not everyone agrees with this…

I have been criticized by someone (who i assume smokes..) that I am not being reasonable. Where should he smoke? Only in bars? Only in his house? Should he quit?
My answer will be: yes, yes and (if he wants too..) yes.

For a non-smoker being on the street behind a person who smokes is really not the best place on earth to be. This is a reason some people don’t smoke: they would like to avoid it! I don’t mind is someone smokes, i even let them do this in my house and in my car, but if i am taking a nice refreshing walk i would like it to be smoke-free.

There are parents walking their children or taking them to school or whatever - the kids don’t need to feel the smoke of the person in front of them..
There are pregnant women on the street - they need clean air to breath, not smoke.
There are maybe people who are trying to quit - the last thing they need is to feel some cigarette smoke.

These are my thoughts for a perfect country. I know life is not “pink and fluffy”, but if i had my own little world, i would only let people smoke if there was no one else on the street, because it bothers…

well… not literally… but it’s rude to call him ‘crazy’

Meet my dog: it’s name is Ghibi. It doesn’t mean anything, it’s some sort of short for “little one”. My sister (who accidentally gave it this name..) named the dog while it was still small… very very small.

In time, the dog grew up.. in only 4 months it’s already taking up my space in bed! Now.. this is literally!
(I will call my doggy “he” from now own, since he’s a member of the family now..)
He has this habbit of getting in our bed in the morning. He sits hit butt on my pillow and puts his head on mine. It’s actually cute… until he starts to chew my hair… uff!

The i start to move. He slept enough so maybe he thinks i too need no more sleep.. so he starts playing with me.. There goes my sleep down the drain…

Oh well… Maybe he thinks I am beautiful enough and don’t need more sleep hehe

Ingredients:

4 eggs
1 l. milk
100 g. sugar
some lemon juice

How to cook it: Separate the eggs (the yolk from the white stuff). Make a mousse out of the white part of the eggs (beat it until it gets hard); add some sugar and the lemon juice. Heat the milk (but don’t boil it). Take some mousse with a spoon and put it in the milk. Let it in 1-2 minutes on each side, then take it out. After you do this, add the yolk mixed with sugar. Let it boil a little, then pour the cream over the pieces of mousse.

Hurray!
I made it!

I just finished installing the new future english blog I welcome myself to the english blogosphere.
I’m off to finding a new theme for this ‘baby’..