The good, the bad and.. that’s it

yup.. i actually like to cook

I realized this some time ago.
My dad always used to tell me to go sit in the kitchen with mom, to see how she cooks so i could learn, but I’m a bit too stubborn and didn’t listen (always thought i had all the time in the world. I’m still disappointed that isn’t’ suppose to be true ).

At first i only knew how to make boiled eggs and fried potatoes (even that was a disaster).

Little by little i tried to make other dishes. Classic peas sote, mashed potatoes, vegetable soup… simple foods. Then i thought why not mix more ingredients and see what i obtain. It turned out to be a good idea

I never asked for help or advices. I always preferred to make things by myself (darn stubborness…). I don’t deny there were a lot of times when i had to throw out all the food and order pizza but in time i realized i like to cook.

Since i realized i have a passion for kitchen activities, i started to work on my veggie-food site (i’ve been a vegetarian for almost 5 years).

Cooking is quite relaxing, and i feel great when someone tells me how tasty the food is

I still have to try harder with baking cookies. Rarely they turn out to be eatable.
But i still think i have all the time in the world

I was talking to my other half the other day about sports and i remembered how much i miss it.

I like ‘movement’ since i was little.
My dad had an aunt who was a great ballet teacher. I was 5 and my sister was 3 years old (as far as I remember) when we started taking ballet lessons. I remember my grandma used to pick us up from school and some hours later our mom would come pick us up from granny and take us to ballet lessons.

I also remember mom always told granny the ballet lessons start one hour early, so we’d be there in time because my grandma talks to much and we were afraid of being late.

I think my sister and I took ballet lessons for 4 or 5 years..

After that, there was a looong break from sports. We only used to go out and play with the other kids. oh, and there was a time when my dad and i made push ups, abdominal exercises and all sorts of exercises  we were able to do indoors (he was trying to lose wight and i was also a bit… “balloon style”)

Meantime, in school, i realized i actually like sport classes. And since i used to kick my colleagues ever since i started going to school, i started Wing Tsun classes in the 9th grade.

My mom and my grandma were desperate! I always came home with a new bruise to add at the collection, a new ache (my arm, a foot… something had to hurt).

Mom tried to convince me to quit but i am a bit too stubborn I liked kung fu so much i actually put my grade diplomas on the wall.

I loved practicing wing tsun. It was relaxing and hard at the same time. But it felt good to be able to make 30 push ups without rolling on the floor after, or running or swimming without having to take a break every 2 minutes, or having your colleagues tell you how good you look!

Unfortunately this only lasted for 2 years.

First of all, the ‘teacher’ (wrote it with quotes, let me explain) took this less and less serious. He saw i managed pretty good and at times he asked me to fill his place so he’d go do something else. I wasn’t learning anything new, it began to be a bit annoying.

Then there was my dad who always has to pick on me. “you’re not learning enough for school”, “you’re coming home to late”.. and so on. So one day i remember being so annoyed i said i’ll quit. Since that day i actually quit wing tsun and I’m still sorry.

Luckily  i moved back to the old apartment i grew in. Ramona and I re-bounded and went to karate classes together, for a while. But we quit that too. I was too busy with college, she was too busy with work and so … that was the last time i practiced sports.

My beloved practiced martial arts too He also had to quit because of work and he also missed it.

I miss practicing sports. I remember i felt much better when i came home from classes. I ate better, i slept better, i learned better. Now i feel like a raw vegetable.

But all is not lost. I can’t wait for spring to come (it actually came already but it’s cold outside) and maybe i’ll go jogging on the “public passage” (have no idea how to translate it in english, it’s a long quiet street on which people jog or walk their children… it’s very nice).

I just need.. the mood.

So here I am in Italy for almost 8 months now.
It’s pretty crazy because I never thought about leaving my country. Life in Romania is …well, awfull. You can’t have a decent salary, some have to get 2-3 jobs, they don’t see their families because they work all the time; and there’s others who don’t work at all because they keep whining they can’t find a job but they’re not even looking for one.
I always thought i could have a decent life in my country and still.. i left.

okay, enough winning

I got the taste of a better life from my first salary here in Italy. I could pay the rent, buy clothes and eat a lot and still have plenty of money for going out or for saving. Things that in Romania seem almost impossible.
I met people who started working and after a few days already made a loan in a bank. You can’t do that in Romania, i barely barely got my laptop and i’ve been working for 5 months already and still they didn’t want to approve the loan. Here you need to prove you have a workplace and it’s enough.

But.. things got a bit worse lately. I can’t find a job because of this damn crisis. I went to a lot of work agencies, they didn’t call. I tried to find some work through internet, didn’t work.

Like my sister said, the whole world is falling appart!
Every day i see more and more people begging at the corner of the street or hear about people suiciding because they hav too many debts. It’s to sad to be true..

But still i believe this has to be over sometime. I still believe i’ll have a better life and be able to live decent. I just hope it’ll be over sooner.

It’s the last saturday of the month Seems like a decade since the beginning o the year. I haven’t really done anything the past month. I tried to occupie myself with my websites but the internet moves so slooowly..

Everyone is asleep in the house. I’m the only one awake. I got bored and cleaned up the kitchen, washed all the dishes (i actually like doing that), cleaned the oven.. and now i’m having my coffee ‘on the net’, meaning i actually have a real coffee beside me while browsing

I’m a bit concerned because this domain is expiring and i forgot to go to the bank and fill up my account a bit, but there’s stil time. There were moments when i thought about letting it go but i’d feel like i’ll be kiling someone Even if i don’t write in it so often it’s still MINE

I’ll get back to browsing now. I discovered i like reading about… history. It’s pretty interesting, in school we only learned dates and boring stuff, i never thought there was more

Two days ago there was  a bit of a scandal in the apartment we live in. My beloved’s sister seems to have a bit of a problem with us being happy…

Last week we went to see the circus. Had a lot of fun and took pictures.. uploaded them and she found out. ok.. Then, on saturday, we went to visit Genova, a lovely city here in Italy. We went to the aquarium, saw a pirate ship, visited a boat museum (something like that..), again, took a lot of pictures and had a lot of fun.
I wrote about it in my romanian blog and right the next day she was even angrier.. Didn’t say a word in the morning and when we asked her what was wrong she gave us an idiotic answer… anyway, we didn’t give a crap, we finished eating and went for a walk.

When we came home she started yelling at my other half… for no reason at all… she was annoyed because….. well, because we always laugh, we have fun, we go for long walks.. then.. why do i have a new pair of boots, since when does he eat broccolli (i cooked broccoli one day…), since when does he listen to rock music and stupid things like these.
So..?
It’s our life, we go wherever we feel like it, we eat whatever we want and it’s really not her business… I got so angry my hands started to shake and i ran out of the house, walked 2-3 blocks to calm down and came back.

I never understood people who are jealous on little things like these. It’s our money and if we want we can wipe our buts with them. Not her business!

Gosh i hope this never happens again..

We went out once. I realized i like him but none of us said anything.
We went out a couple of times after that, but still just as friends. We were always laughing, having fun and a great time together.

One day we were supposed to go out again. During the day we bumped into eachother in front of a supermarket. I was with another friend, we met with some other people and after 2-3 minutes my beloved appeared. He was hurrying to go to work and didn’t even say hi to me. I got upset but thought that he didn’t want the other people to start rumors. He left in a hurry to catch the buss and only told me he had something important to tell me.

My first thought was that he had to tell me something about work..

So we went out, met with other people, had a drink and then we went to his place. We talked a bit with his sister and after a while we remained alone, on his couch. We talked and talked and every 10-20 minutes i kept asking “what was it that you had to tell me that was so important?” and he kept saying he forgot… and began another subject

We talked a lot.. untill almost 5 in the morning. I realised how the time passed and thought about going the heck home but.. then he ‘rememberred’ what he wanted to tell me… … …

He looked at me, smiled and said “i kind of like you more and more. I don’t know what’s going on but i think i like you a lot”. I felt like i was melting!
I told him that i liked him to, but because he was acting like just a friend, i didn’t say anything.

So… we both found out we liked eachother. Hearts beating fast and everything… and then he started to talk about the time he was in the army… Again we began to talk about things unrelated to “us”, as if nothing happened. It was rather strange…

It was already early in the morning when we started to yawn… so we went to bed. I slept at his place, he had to go to work in 1-2 hours so i thought it was ok to go home in the morning…

When the time came for him to wake up he set off the alarms and held me tight.
When we woke up we had the strangest ‘first kiss’ We opened our eyes, still lying in bed and looked at each other smiling. He kissed me and smiled.

We felt like we knew eachother our whole lives. It was… perfect

This is the story of how i met my other half

I already had a boyfriend. My other half and I were working toghether at the factory. He liked me from the first day he saw me but didn’t say anything because, first, he knew i had another bf, and second, hethought there was still something between my ex and I (i came in italy with my ex and a very good friend of ours), so he acted like nothing was going on.

We were working toghether for several days. At forst he gave me a very very bad impression.. he was always joking, always laughing at pther people, always mocking them (the ones who did not deserve too much, a lot of ‘not so good’ people came to work at the campaign..) so i thought that that’s all he can do.. but i had a lot of fun (especially when we laught at our boss she annoyed us a lot at first..)

Little by little i kind of began to like him. He gained a lot of my respect when ho gave me his phone number (insted of asking for mine, as a lot of other people did in the factory and i got sick of saying no… ). He told me to give him a call when i’d like to go out and see the town (i only knew the road to the buss and the road back home..).

I wanted to call him but i was a bit ashamed. I searched for a pretext but.. still i didn’t call

One day we talked on the internet. He said he’ll be going out with an italian friend and asked me to come along, just to have a drink. I said yes Unfortunately he had to work extra hours the exact day and i was actually scared that at 10 o’clock he’ll be to tired to go out so i went to pick him up at work, with the pretext of going to pick up my other friend that worked on the same shift. So.. i was happy to find out he was not at all tired

We got off the buss and went to meet with the other people. They picked us up with the car. We went for a drink and then they took us home.
On the way back, we were 4 people in the backseat, so we were a bit crowded. I was staying very close to him and i felt like putting my head on his shoulder, but… again, i was embarrassed

That’s when i realised i really like him

How do you know you care about someone?

Well.. i arrived in Italy with the thought of getting back with my ex, but.. it wasn’t suppose to happen I met someone else: tall, black and handsome. I was always smiling at only the thought of him but after 2-3 weeks i realised i didn’t really care about him.. it was just the feeling that i can get over my ex. It was nice but not enough.

Meanwhile, at the same workplace, i met my actual boyfriend for who i would give anything to see him happy. I realised i cared for him when we started to work toghethe. There were times when our boss would send me someplace else and i was feeling sad because he wasn’t near me.. that’s when i realised i kind of care for him.

Right now.. i barely can stay a few hours without missimg him. When he sends me a text message i start to smile and laugh even on the street. When i wait for him in the buss station i see the buss and can’t stop smiling. I like to surprise him with little things (for example, one day he asked me who sings a certain song.. i didn’t know but i got home, searched the internet and the next day i had the title, the artist and the song itself. He was very happy and a bit stunned.. ), i like to look at him and smile, i like being in love

When you do anything you can to see someone happy.. that’s when you know you care a lot for that person. And it’s the nicest feeling in the world

oh my god.. my friend went home to Romania today and left me all alone.. he had some problems and had to go back

i’m scared to death. I don’t trust anyone, i still get lost on the streets and i only have my laptop to keep me company

He laft this morning and he was really upset because i didn’t go with him to the bus station. So after 1-2 hours i ran to find him, but unfortunately.. i got lost again and called him to ask which direction should i go.  Tough luck, his buss already left i only got to wave at him, the buss passed by me while we were on the phone. So sad..

I hope it’s gonna be ok. I still have a friend here but he lives a bit to far away from my place so i can only talk boring stuff with my neighbours..

I did make some friends at work, but i only know them for a few weeks so i already miss my roommate.

The thing is he left me a note in which he told me to be strong and don’t come home under any circumstances, because i came here with a purpose, to make some fast money and buy a chopper (my little dream ). So anytime i should feel down, i’ll read his note and hope for the best.

  hello from Italy, i’ve been busy for quite some time now and i’ve been missing in action

I came to italy 3 weeks ago, to work. I work in a factory in shifts, it’s very tireing, plus i have the other job, a night job i had previously and didn’t quit since i still need it for when i go back home in Romania.

So far so good. I haven’t slept these 3 weeks but i’m enjoying myself very much.
I like it here, i met some nice people at work, we communicate in english since i don’t speak italian so well… i am trying but it’s pretty hard for a beginner

I was pleased to be here with my ex, we get along very nice and we live toghether in a small appartment here. We share the rent and go to work toghether as we are on the same shift it’s easier this wayfor both of us, i think.

I was kind of scared at first but now i like it so much i don’t even miss home that much.. i miss my sister, my mom and dad, some of my friends and most of all…. my dog

All in all… it’s quite nice. I am in a foreign country and i’m doing well… so well i think i met someone i might like His name is Steve and we met at work. Very nice guy.

I hope to  be able to write more these days, there is a lot going on here that i feel the need to share hihi

I borrowed this expression a bit. I find a lot of truth in it.

I noticed how black thoughts go through my mind when my soul and mind are in an idle status. I am depressed and can’t think of anything else but how bad i feel and how i need to end it.
The devil doesn’t sleep, it makes me do all kind of actions I normally wouldn’t do, like lay in the bed and do nothing but graze my heart. It makes me think that my soul is so bruised it can’t be fixed. The devil doesn’t let me hope, it only makes me weep.

I can’t think by myself. I can only wait for the idleness to go away, but if i don’t help it it will only get deeper.
So i try and help it. I see now how the devil plays with my soul. It wants to destroy it, but I won’t let it. So I try and find other activities to help me unlock the chains.

I force the hope to rise above the sadness. It sure is damn hard, but otherwise I don’t see myself repairing the damage.
I start little. I start by being happy for other people’s happyness. I see smiles and i can see that it is possible. I try and integrate myself in being useful, so i could feel like i don’t live for nothing, helping others put a smile on their face is a great feeling.

I remain with my hope. I hope it will turn out ok. So the devil looses the game. He crawls outside my soul and looks back, i push it harder and hope it will get lost already.

Of course life is beautiful, even if not for me, but for others.
Of course hope can die again.
Of course I will try and bring it back to life, with my last little drop of breath.

All in all… the devil can kiss my butt.

I have to vent again, i feel better after i write about what i feel, it’s like talking to a best friend, indirectly.

It’s strange how i feel right now. I feel like i want it, but i’m not sure i need it.. i would like for it to last, there are to many coincidences and it is almost to nice to be true. I am a positive thinker and i’d like to think it would be almost as in the happy end movies.

I bleed inside, i miss the anxiety and the shivers, i still have them sometimes and this is what scares me the most.

I like to see the smile, i likem to feel the touch, i love to hear the voice.
I like it that i feel alive.

Why can’t it be a little more simple.. ?

So.. it is totally over.
It’s time to move on.

i can’t say i am not sorry, of course i am, 6 years is a heck of a lot of time. It was a pain to think that we are not toghether anymore, but heck.. it happens.

So.. i stopped, cried.. then focused. I cried for all the years that went by, flew like air near my ears.. I stopped feeling like before, I began to feel like crap, i was sad, turnished.. everything seemed unreal, i was living a bad dream.

Then i focused..
He did this to himself. I am happy now and he is not. Now he’d like to get back to me, but i can’t.

Fact: he told me that 6 years were a waste of time.
Fact: he said he didn’t love me for more than one year, he was just staying with me for the sake of it.
Fact: telling me he might have feelings for another after all what we’ve been through and he needs time off to think about it.

Hmm… these are not ok to say to a person, no matter what. He should have kept those for himself.
He kind of took me and threw me in the garbage.
Now i’m really afraid to care again.. but i enjoy life as it is. I like it.

Now i’m still focusing.. Not knowing what the future brings is kind of scary, but fun..

Oh my God, i cannot believe how good freedom feels

I have no obligations, no strange feelings when I go out, no nothing.. i am free to feel good. I sometimes get scared because of too much freedom, but it’s ok.

Untill some weeks ago i was still sad that it was over. 6 years.. a lot of time. But i’m totally over, so over i asked him to move out. I decided he can stay and we can live toghether but it’s not possible. I may want to be with someone, he might find someone and it will be to strange to live with the ex.. I mean.. c’mon!

We talked and he seems to be very sad and upset. I’m sorry for him but i cannot live like this forever. What happens if let’s say we have lovers and we fight? We come back to the ex to talk… how will the other one feel? Like crap, i tell you.

I like to be free… and for that i need to live alone. He can’t understand, fine.. but at least he can respect that.

Money… we both have them but i prefer to pay my own taxes and everything and be alone for a while. It’s such a nice feeling, being free..

I like blogging, i like to sit at the computer for hours and code a site, i like to be so into photoshop i won’t eat for hours…  I like to stay out until morning (yes, i have the energy of 100 persons…). I like to take the car and drive for hours, i like to come home and find my dog jumping up and down…

I hated it when i was working and he wanted to go out. I hated it when I was mad with some css code and he got upset there was no food.. I hated it when I felt like going out and he was busy playing Need for Speed..

This is living… this is great. I know i will one day feel the need to wake up near someone, but now i’m happy this way. It may be because after 6 years i can literally do whatever it pops in my mind.

Life is beautiful. I wish everyone could see this. Enjoy it while you can, it’s worth it.

Damn, i’m tired. I’m tired of no sleep and of somewhat stress. I wish i would go to sleep and wake up saturday afternoon. Then my exams would have passed

I’m aslo tired of trying to hard. I am happy because this is who i am, but sometimes i force myself to smile and forget some problems.. It seems to work, but it sure is damn tireing.

I wish the world would be perfect. No more sad people, no more problems,  no more people who avoid me, no more “oh my god! where did the money go this month?”, no more stress.

I am overall happy. I only miss one thing: a hug from time to time. And i am not a huggy person, i can tell you that… damn.

Am I to insistent? Do I give the impression that i cannot last a day without seeing someone?
This is me, a little child at 21..

Some of my feelings turned to ash, some are rising just about now. I am not afraid, i know i can love again, miss again, kiss and caress again… just not now. I need a break from all of these.. In the meantime I started to feel free. Freedom is good

I can do all the crap I want without someone bugging me all the time. I can laugh, sing, dress provocative, I can cry, walk alone in the park, leave home for days and so on without feeling guilty. It’s wonderful!

I thank ‘you’ (you know who you are..) for making me see this.
I needed this breakout badly in order to move on.

What scars me is that I miss you. I miss the nice moments we had together.
We are good friends, even if we briefly know each other. I hate it that I think you avoid me.
I had no plans or thoughts for the future. I only enjoy spending time with you.
I miss the awkward moments we had, the silent seconds, the fear I felt minutes before seeing you..

I can’t be in a relationship right now.. So why can’t we get along as we did before? Why must we feel weird when i leave and why must you feel you need to protect me?
I need to protect myself from me, that’s all. I wish i wasn’t this shy and i have the power to explain all of this.. maybe after a while i will.

I hated the chains I was locked in until the breakup. I hated them for 3 long years.. I hoped it would work but it didn’t. I am passed that now and I hope you understand. Don’t feel estranged, feel free to do whatever you want.

The only thing I regret is that I literally ditched my family and friends to end up breaking up after 6 years. But if I think about it, i would have never met you otherwise.

It scares me a bit that we are almost the same person, but that fear gives me the strength to feel like myself again. You unlocked me and I thank you for that.

What bothers me now is why can’t we get along as we did the first day we met.. That is what I miss the most.

I need something… but i don’t know what it is.. i’m no longer mourning, but still something is missing.
I still try to cry sometimes (not really my thing, but i need to let it all out, i really want to move on) and sometimes I can’t stop smiling.
I have no idea what is going on. My soul was ripped, but there is a someone who knows how to patch it. I can’t have feelings yet, but the sensation is beautiful.

I couldn’t move a muscle to smile, but after 2 weeks i felt some warmth.
I still have no idea how it happened.
He was smart enough to add me on his messenger list.. and only now i understand how he got the feeling i am shy.. (wrong feeling.. i tell you!)
The discussion began quick, he wanted to buy my romanian recipes site I felt shy to tell him no…

I can’t say it’s hard, but not easy either. My whole life is a little mess and still.. it seems right.
So i have no idea how i feel right now. All i can say is that i am a little happier.
I think i am afraid to feel something too soon.

I remember i had a talk about the near future with my ex, 2-3 days before i met “the Dwarf” (omg, it sounds so funny in english!). We talked about sex and related stuff. I thought i couldn’t do it soon, maybe never, maybe not for a few months.. but he told me i might be able to after 1-2-6 months or maybe ‘tomorrow’. In the meantime… i put my thoughts in order. I can’t go back to what we had for 6 years, i just can’t! … and this is actually the easy part …

It’s the future i’m worried about. That’s the un-easy part … but something tells me it’s going to be a-ok.